Memoirs of a (former) Restaurant Owner
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to our regular customers and some of our irregular ones…with love.
Thank you for sharing five years with us. Thank you for sharing your home-grown parsley, zucchini, your tomatoes and last, but never least, your cucumbers, your wit and your affection.
This book is a little late in coming, since I’ve had it stashed in a drawer for the past many years. But it’s time to tell the whole truth – part of which is that Summerside Gallery and the Country Kitchen were real places–a real art gallery and a real restaurant, in Summerside, Prince Edward Island, from 1980 to 1985.
I remember Gallery and Kitchen with affection and hope that these memoirs will give you some insights into the peculiar and wonderful behavior of restaurant goers as seen from behind the crock pots by my friends Diane, Tim, and Eunie — not to mention myself, the original Fool in the Kitchen.
Pene Beavan Horton
Copyright Reserved
September 2008
Published by Pixelfx Studios Ltd.
Vancouver Island, Canada
To contact Pene by email:
DISCLAIMER
Since this is a true story I’ve had a hard time writing the usual disclaimer.
I’ve come up with three alternatives, so please choose whichever you find applicable:
a) I promise that if you recognize yourself in these memoirs you bear no relation to any living human being
b) If you think you recognize yourself don’t tell us
c) If you think you recognize yourself, you’re being ridiculous
SPECIAL SERVICES for people with kids or other special circumstances:
We now offer lap restraints, leg restraints, arm restraints and gags.
“Why just for babies?” asks Tim.
Why indeed?
CONTENTS
Dedication
Disclaimer
Introduction
Manners and Morals of …..
Bloopers We Have Made
Some Don’ts for Dining Out
Some Do’s Ditto
How to Slip Out Without Paying
For all of you who ever asked for the recipes from The Country Kitchen Restaurant in Summerside, Prince Edward Island, please find them in the recently released new edition of FOOL IN THE KITCHEN
by Pene Beavan Horton
September 2008
INTRODUCTION
Did you know that not everybody can be a good waitress?
It takes the concentration of a champion chess player, the memory of a computer, the energy of an Olympic gymnast and the friendliness of someone who has five kittens to give away before Tuesday…
Anyone want the job?
JOB DESCRIPTION:
A good waitress remembers who wants what, notes exceptions and amendments, remembers 300 names and matches them to 300 faces, doesn’t she, Mrs. Uh, er, hmnnnn?
She takes orders, serves drinks, delivers food, rings up cash, is friendly, quick, patient, untiring, aware, keeps out of the cook’s way and runs after people who’ve dropped their keys, lost their gloves, changed their minds or who just want to say hello.
She answers the telephone, balances a tray so the whipped cream doesn’t slide off the cake, reminds the cook to get a move on, keeps both kettles boiling, stays sane and keeps smiling.
In her spare time she orders cheese and butter-pats, defrosts fridges and freezers, does dishes, buys groceries, chops vegetables, grates cheese, makes ice, vacuums the carpet and takes out the garbage.
She sees that fifty people feel loved and looked after while they’re here, cleans up after them and keeps her sense of humour.
Our own special waitress, friend and support was Diane. She was unique. And we loved her. She died some years after I left the Country Kitchen, but her memory lingers like the warm fragrance of wood smoke on a cold night.
The first question I ever asked her had to do with picture framing, choosing a frame to go with her furniture.
“What sort of furniture do you have?” I asked.
“Early mother-in-law,” she replied promptly.
I was enchanted and asked if she’d like to work in the Kitchen with me and she said yes. I will always be glad that she did.
We also had Eunie, a delightful, unflappable presence in the Kitchen, moving angelically from crockpots to crackpots, always keeping her sense of humour and enthusiasm.
Then there was Tim.
What panache! What a sunny sense of humour. He made us quiver with anticipation as he described the desserts … Tim was irrepressible.
“I need something to make me laugh today,” said our friend, Mike Landry.
“Go look in a mirror,” quipped Tim, from behind the microwave. Mike was too tired to get up and swat him.
“You are the Essence of the Kitchen,” Tim told me.
“You mean the soup,” I replied gloomily.
“Ah!” cried Tim ecstatically. “In the Great Soup Bowl of your Life…”
He danced through the Kitchen, blond head glinting, eyes sparkling, writing lurid notices, making sandwiches, delivering chocolate chip muffins, witticisms rippling from his nimble tongue and at the same time, being extraordinarily efficient.
We could not have lived without him.
And Bob – how could I write a book about our restaurant without mentioning my ex-husband, who hated the whole idea? Especially healthy food. In that he was not alone.
Over the years, we had a fair number of hopeful customers who came looking for french fries… and some who came looking for cigarettes, and some who came looking for friendship, and some who came looking for love, and even some who came looking for good, wholesome food with a bit of dressing on the side.
They are all here, in essence, as you flip through The Manners and Morals of (maybe not so typical?) Restaurant Users.
MEMOIRS OF A (FORMER)
RESTAURANT OWNER
A short run-down on the manners and morals of typical restaurant users
DIETING?
Lady A practises one-up-woman-dietship on her friend at the same table.
“I couldn’t possibly manage more than half a sandwich,” she says, then nibbles a quarter of it, heaves a big, replete sigh and asks the waitress for a doggy-bag.
“It was just TOO MUCH for me to finish all at once,” she explains.
Her friend is invariably plumper than she is, and has just consumed a bowl of chili bean soup and a ham sandwich. Regretfully, she passes up the cherry cake.
How could she possibly be such a glutton in front of Lady A, who sits and looks on with a skinny smile?
DELIGHTFULLY VAGUE
Lady B looks with astonishment at what you’ve brought her to eat.
“Did I order that?” she asks.
“I suppose I must have. Isn’t that extraordinary?”
DITHERY
Lady C can’t make up her mind whether to have soup, salad or half a sandwich. She asks what’s in the soup, in the salad, in the sandwiches, then says, “I’ll just have a cup of tea. I’m really not hungry.”
ADVANCE DISAPPROVAL
Lady D comes in determined not to like anything on the menu.
“There isn’t a single interesting thing on this menu,” she announces loudly, and sweeps out.
NO SMOKING
Lady E is annoyed because she can’t smoke in the restaurant.
“A cigarette is the best part of lunch,” she says crossly, and leaves.
Fortunately there’s a restaurant that serves cigarettes just down the street.
THRIFTY
A family of eight comes in and orders one chocolate chip muffin and four plates. They’ve brought their own tea bags and they ask for eight mugs of hot water, with milk and sugar.
GOURMET
This gentleman wants his sandwich with a hint of mustard on the top half, a whisper of mayonnaise on the bottom half, no lettuce, with ham, eggs, tomatoes, chicken and cheese in between, not heated …. try to find that on the menu.
KIDS
We love kids who come in except this one. He wants peanut butter on a scoop of ice-cream with grated cheese on the side. He plays with his ice cream, builds sculptures with his peanut butter and sprinkles his cheese on the carpet.
Then he gets under the table and plays peekaboo.
SOUP OPERA
Not a few relationships burgeon among the crockpots–sadly, not a few become unstuck. We congratulate the happy couples and walk a fine line re commiserating with the unhappy ones.
TOGETHERNESS
They come in to eat and the wife orders everything.
“We’ll have this, this, this and this,” she says, before he can open his mouth.
Maybe he’d prefer that, that, that and those, but for some reason he dare not take a stand and say so.
HIPPOCRATES WAS THE FIRST HEALTH FOOD NUT AND HE SURE STARTED SOMETHING
This disciple of Hypocrates can’t eat salt, sugar, food colouring, preservatives, cooked food or fat.
He orders grated cabbage with a slice of organically grown lemon on the side.
For some reason he often drinks black coffee and he nearly always brings his own sunflower seeds to munch on while he waits to be served.
He usually has pouches under his eyes and a hung-over look, which is why most people go on eating salt, sugar, food colouring …
WEIGHT WATCHER
This fellow announces bravely that he’s watching his diet. He orders a bowl of chili soup, a ham’n'cheese sandwich and a piece of raspberry chocolate pudding cake with whipped cream.
“And being me some Sugar Free packets for my coffee, please ….”
TRIED IT ONCE AND LIKED IT
One gentleman we love ordered a tuna’n'cheese sandwich twice a week for two years. And another one only eats ham sandwiches year in and year out. We wonder…do they genuinely hate variety, or just everything else on the menu?
EXCLUSIVITY – or NOT QUITE ON THE MENU
Lady F makes sure that what she orders is not on the menu, then she orders it every time.
DEDICATED DIETER
Lady G is a genuine dieter, with wonderful will power. Week after week she orders a salad with dressing on the side. She just looks at the dressing.
Surely such iron control will snap at midnight, one night. Will she gather up her library of books on HOW TO BREAK THE EATING HABIT and set fire to them on her back lawn? We picture her dancing madly around the bonfire until it dies down so she can go indoors and cram doughnuts into her mouth.
LOVE AMONG THE CROCK POTS
BURGEONING ROMANCE
VARIETY, ALL RIGHT
This person doesn’t want a repeat of anything he’s eaten in the past 12 months.
He doesn’t like fish, pasta, rice, soup or sandwiches. He is averse to eating pork, lamb and chicken. He is tired of steak, potatoes and meat pies, and he hates turkey, frozen vegetables and salad. He’s had stew, pizza and liver once this year already.
We had to give in and tell him we couldn’t help him.
Currently, we hear he is killing himself on a steady diet of pepperoni sticks and Coca-Cola.
TO TIP OR NOT TO TIP?
There are people who tip lavishly and people who tip.
“I left your nickel under the place mat,” they say proudly on their way out.
LUNCH HOUR MEETINGS IN THE RESTAURANT
Sundry groups hold lunch hour meetings in the restaurant, asking to have two of the large tables pushed together.
The twelve of them sit for an hour, ordering a cup of coffee and a scone between them.
They grabbed a Big Mac on their way to our restaurant? Or maybe they just want a change of scene from the office?
COMPULSIVE TIDIERS
People who stuff everything on the table into their empty soup bowls, so you have to fish out a damp paper place mat, a used napkin or two, two empty butter pat cases and three empty packets of sugar.
It is amazing how much a soup bowl can hold if you are determined.
NO-WIN SOUP SITUATION
Some people drop ice cubes in their soup to cool it down and other people send the same soup back to be heated because it’s too cold.
NEUROTIC NEED TO BE SERVED FIRST
Lady H came in and said could she be served right away, please, as she had an appointment in half and hour.
So we put her at the head of the line and she stayed at her table for another two hours, drinking coffee. She just wanted to be loved?
WELL WRAPPED UP?
A group of four people came in out of the snow, took off their gloves and coats, unwrapped their woollen scarves, put their hats on the rack, took off their boots, sat down and looked at the menu.
“What, no french fries and gravy?”
So they stood up, put on their coats, boots, scarves, gloves and hats and left.
We need a sign: PLEASE READ THE MENU BEFORE YOU UNDRESS
WHAT’S IN THE GARDEN SOUP?
Daddy-Long-Legs, parsley, cabbage, slugs, DDT, LIME and whipped cream … anything else you’d like to know?
SHARING
Lady I and Lady J come into the restaurant to have lunch together.
“Let’s split a sandwich,” suggests Lady J, “it’s cheaper … no, you choose, Ellie.
“Well, I don’t want salmon, do you? I had the tuna last time… mmmmmmmmm … canned chicken isn’t my favourite …the shrimp’s too expensive.
“You think ham and mustard? I don’t like mustard. No, no, you must choose, Ellie, it’s your treat.
“Well, all right, let’s have an egg salad sandwich… You don’t fancy egg? Oh, what about corned beef? Or ….”
Lady J turns to the hovering waitress. “My friend’s exhausted…we’ll just have tea.”
PAYING
Lady K: “No, Angie, I’m paying for our lunch. No arguments, dearest. You can pay next time, this is my treat … two coffees, please, and we’ll split one of those lovely little loaves…”
Later, at the cash register, rummaging through her purse, Lady K says, “That’s funny, I thought I’d brought my wallet with me. Do you have eighty seven cents, Angie darling? Thank you….”
RUNNING COMMENTARY
Lady L: “This soup’s good, Ethel. I wonder what she puts in it? She must get up early to get the bread baked in time. No, I won’t try the bread. Too much whole wheat keeps me awake all night…non-stop, my dear, really, I can’t take it.
“We must stop off at Bun King for some of their lovely white buns on the way home…”
SLIVER EATERS
“I just want a sliver of cake,” says Lady M.
How do we charge for a sliver?
Three cents for the paper plate, three cents for the napkin, 50 cents for the labour and 12 cents for the sliver, total of 68 cents.
“You’ve got to be the most expensive restaurant in town!” declares Lady M, shocked. “I mean, I just wanted a sliver!”
PARDON?
Lady N wants to know if the chicken is canned.
We say “yes,” so she asks for tuna …”is the tuna canned?”
No, Ma’am, we just caught it.
MOMMY GIVING DADDY A TREAT FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
Well-meaning mothers occasionally and bravely bring baby to have lunch with Daddy. Baby has fun.
CAN’T QUITE HEAR YOU?
Lady O is almost stone deaf because her hearing aid keeps slipping. She is usually accompanied by Lady P, a younger person, who is a good menu reader with a penetrating voice.
“There are TWO KINDS OF SOUP,” bellows Lady P, “SHRIMP BISQUE or CHICKEN NOODLE … NOODLE … N-0-0-D-L-E…yes, NOODLES. You don’t like noodles?
“What about SHRIMP? Or a SALAD? What’s in the salad? CABBAGE, CARROTS, CUCUMBERS, TOMATOES, LETTUCE, GREEN PEPPERS … or would you RATHER HAVE A SANDWICH? No, on a BUN. They have HAM, HAM’n'MUSTARD, HAM’N'CHEESE, CHICKEN, TUNA, TUNA’n'CHEESE … you don’t like cheese?
“How about some dessert? BLACK FOREST CAKE SOUNDS LOVELY. Chocolate pudding, real whipped cream, cherries, nuts … you’d like some? Oh, good, I’ll order it for you ….”
WAITER: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any Black Forest Cake left …”
Lady P: “Aunt Helen, they DON’T HAVE ANY BLACK FOREST CAKE TODAY … would you like an ENGLISH SCONE instead? The scones have RASPBERRY JAM and fresh cream …” and she runs through the menu again.
Everyone in the restaurant is left aching with sympathy for Aunt Helen and full of admiration for Lady P who ploughs bravely on.
THE LOVABLE ONES
This book is for The Lovable Ones who enjoy eating what we serve. They love the food. They say so out loud.
They love Tim and Diane and Eunie, and the paintings on the walls and the music.
We love to feed and cherish them.
They kindly overlook our occasional bloopers, as we kindly overlook theirs.
SOME BLOOPERS WE HAVE MADE
We once fed someone an elastic band in his salad. It hooked his back molars to his front incisors but he was very good about it.
We fed someone a dehydrated Daddy-Long-Legs spider in her salad. She returned the uneaten portion of the salad but was very understanding, since, she told us, she has them at the cottage. The spider was from Away, having come in on a bunch of parsley from Charlottetown.
We once fed someone a bowl of soup that had a real quarter in it. We let him keep the quarter as a reward for not swallowing it. (We think he dropped it in himself.)
We gave a man a pot of tea that had no water and no tea bag in it. Occasionally we give someone a teapot of hot water with no tea bag in it, but this was too much. Our apologies were not accepted.
Once, alas, someone left in a frenzy because our temporary waitress didn’t see him for fifteen minutes. We didn’t have time to apologize as he stormed out.
If we’ve done anything else wrong, no one has pointed it out just yet, but this is a blanket apology in advance and arrears for any mistakes we’ve made or may make.
Thank you for keeping on coming, we love you all, and are sure you know we would never feed anyone a dehydrated Daddy-Long-Legs on purpose.
Your bloopers? Quite often, you forgot to pay for your tea and chocolate chip muffins on the way out. You’d come back two days later, a little red in the face, to apologize and pay. You usually said you were so at home in the Kitchen that it felt like tea and talk with family. We understood and loved you for the compliment.
“DINER’S TEA” – OUR VERY OWN SOUP OPERA
Don’t talk so loudly that everyone else in the restaurant can overhear your current traumas–unless you promise to come back next week and tell us what happened.
THEY DID IT IN THE MOVIES
Don’t snap your fingers to get the waitress’ attention. She’ll know you’ve been sitting up watching late night movies.
ALL ALONE?
Don’t behave as if you are the only person in the restaurant– unless you are.
TIME’S A-WASTING
“When your time is used up, you are used up,” said Walter Pitkin in his book, Life Begins at Forty. “Dead, some call it.”
Don’t keep your waiter standing at the ready when five of you haven’t decided what you’re going to order.
Don’t tell your waitress everything you don’t want to order before you tell her what you do want.
Don’t tell your waiter in the middle of the lunch-hour rush why your Aunt Ethel couldn’t come with you today.
SPLITTING
Don’t ask if you can split half a scone between you.
Try not to ask for half a sandwich on two plates.
WHAT’S IN IT? AMNESIA SOUP
Please don’t ask what’s in the soup. The cook can’t remember.
TOAST, FRENCH FRIES AND GRAVY
Don’t ask for the above. They are not on the menu and never have been on the menu and never will be on the menu …not because we don’t love them. Because we are not that kind of restaurant.
GERM WARFARE
Please don’t come to lunch if you have just caught whooping cough, measles or pink eye.
ENTERTAINMENT WHILE YOU WAIT
Please don’t amuse yourself by pouring salt into the pepper shaker, no matter how bored you are. Ask your waiter for a Rubik’s cube. He won’t have one, but he’ll get the message.
SHREDDING
Don’t shred your paper place mat just because you are hungry. You won’t be able to read the menu.
COVER-UPS
Don’t hide your cucumber slices in the teapot. Nobody minds if you don’t eat everything on your plate.
FALSE TEETH
Don’t wrap your dental plate in a table napkin while you eat. Chances are you’ll be home in bed before you remember you left your teeth on the table.
CASH OR CHEQUE?
Don’t pay for a cup of coffee with a $100 bill. We haven’t seen that much money at once in years.
And please don’t offer to pay for your lunch with a dog-eared cheque made out to you by a friend of a friend six months ago.
SO HAVING UTTERED FRIGHTFUL WARNINGS ABOUT WHAT NOT TO DO, HERE’S WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU SIT DOWN AT YOUR TABLE
- Relax. Take a deep breath. Unwind.
- Remember your waitress is a real, live human being whose feet hurt.
- Realize you may have to wait if six other people came in ahead of you.
- Try analyzing your emotional burden, tidying your purse, writing a novel or slipping into the right side of your brain while you wait.
- Remember to put the lid back on the crock pot.
- You can ask for a doggy-bag even though everyone knows you don’t have a German Shepherd at home.
- Tell your waitress if you really are in a hurry, otherwise see 3. above.
- Try to be a little inhibited, unlike the woman who bounded through the Kitchen shouting exuberantly, “I’ve had six cups of tay, I must have a pay!”
- Do tell the waiter or the cook that you enjoyed your meal – and vice versa. No one wants to eat vice versa.
- Courtesy is contagious. A waiter or waitress responds to courtesy like a plant to sunlight and they will be less likely to trip and spill your soup down your neck.
- Remember to put the lid back on the crock pot.
HOW TO SLIP OUT WITHOUT PAYING
Don’t be silly, why would we tell you that?
AND NOW….
Exeunt Omnes
FOOL IN THE KITCHEN AND MEMOIRS ARE A SET … We hope you’ve enjoyed the view from behind the crock pots and that you will never again stuff everything on the table into your empty soup bowl. Or coffee mug.
Take care, and enjoy your dedicated servers when you next dine out! Their feet hurt.
Pene
